One Step at a Time
What It Feels Like to Have Depression
I’m Audrey. I’m 38. Spirituality, to me, is an impalpable quest where we try to better know ourselves, the universe, and other people. We aim to be a better version of ourselves and inspire others. Being spiritual is about connecting. It’s also about connecting with the non-visible and intangible energies existing with others and the environment.
Seven years ago, I went through a burnout followed by a severe depression. At that time, right before my depression, I lost my grandparents, my twelve-year-old niece had cancer, I was in a toxic relationship for ten years with a narcissistic partner, and I was under a lot of pressure at work.
For years, I had taken it all upon myself, until at some point my energy went so low that I became depressed. This is how my depression manifested: I was unable to work on a daily basis, I couldn’t process information or concentrate, I felt overwhelmed, I had dark thoughts, and I experienced urges to hurt myself. I would get my office scissors and try to slit my wrists at work, although in reality, the scissors weren’t sharp enough to harm me. I’d spend hours trying to solve a problem, but my mind would feel overwhelmed and eventually would hit a dead end where I would always feel my decisions were all wrong.
Physically, I was extremely tired and had rapidly lost weight, about 3 to 4 kg in three weeks. I had lost my hair, too. When I’d share my experience with family and friends, I sensed they didn’t understand the depth and alarming state of my situation. They would say, “Shake it off; there are solutions. If it isn’t going well at work, maybe you should switch jobs.” They didn’t realize how advanced my depression was, nor did I. I was only understanding it myself as it was unfolding day after day. They didn’t realize that the simple task of writing a motivation letter required energy I no longer had. It was beyond my limits. I could barely do my work at the office. I was only pretending. The truth was, I couldn’t complete anytasks.
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My family tried their best to help me, but they weren’t familiar with depression, and I felt guilty because I couldn’t make the changes they advised. I felt I wasn’t understood. I felt isolated. Even going out with friends was torture because I had no drive to see them, and when I found enough energy to join them, I was unable to follow their conversations. Eventually, it was easier to just stay home. When depression was at the highest, I could go days without taking a shower. I would stay in my PJs all day staring at the ceiling. My bed was my cocoon.
Feeling at a loss, I went to the doctor. I was prescribed antidepressants and an anxiolytic treatment. Unfortunately, my body didn’t react well. The treatment triggered a paradoxical response, meaning that the treatment had the opposite effect of what it should and made my depression worse. As a result, I attempted to commit suicide and was admitted to a psychiatric hospital for ten days where I was living in France. Thankfully, and with the support of my family, I eventually got out of the hospital.
In hindsight, losing my job allowed me to engage in my spiritual quest. It’s not by chance that events unfolded the way they did for me. It was a blessing in disguise: I never would have started this spiritual journey if I had a settled life with a traditional nine-to-five job. All this helped me understand who I was, what I wanted, and the right direction for my life.
The Slow Road of Recovery
At home after my hospital stay, I turned to EMDR therapy and kinesiology, and was seen by a psychologist. This helped restore some of my energy, but nothing really helped me with the problems depression was causing, such as memory loss and difficulty concentrating.
A few years later, I moved to Switzerland for work, and unfortunately, I suffered with depression again. At that time, a friend introduced me to meditation and Kundalini yoga. Practicing regular meditation had a huge beneficial impact on my wellness. When I moved back to Paris five years ago, I went back to yoga classes and attended Jonathan Lehmann’s workshop called Les Antiseches du Bonheur, in addition to his 21 Day Meditation Challenge. These transformed me. I experienced a rebirth. I started to remember things, my memory improved greatly, and I could easily find my words again. Moreover, I felt so good that it was like being in a bliss of love. Sentimentally, I was in a new healthy relationship. In my previous relationship, I thought I had to save the relationship. I felt responsible. Moreover, I didn’t think I was worth much and was convinced I wouldn’t be able to find a better partner than him. I had placed him on a pedestal. But my mindset has changed. This has been liberating. As a result, communication, sharing, and giving are the foundations of the relationship I seek with a partner.
At the moment, I’m still undergoing antidepressant treatment. I have tried to end it but was unsuccessful. But I have learned to be patient with myself, as for some people it’s not easy to get off medication. During a workshop led by Christophe Andre, a renowned psychiatrist and author who introduced me to meditation in France, I learned how meditation could help me deal with my depression. Thanks to such teachings, I learned to feel less guilty when facing people who are not familiar with the full spectrum of depression. Depression is a serious disorder that cannot be overcome without health-care and well-being professionals.
As mentioned previously, meditation has been a life-changing practice while battling depression. I have been using the Calm app for the last two to three years. With time, I have narrowed down my favorite teachers and figured out my preferred voice tone. It took a bit of time before finding the ones that really worked for me in terms of voice tone, methodology, meditation type (link to an article about meditation types), etc. But the right voice tone eases my transition to a meditative state. If my schedule becomes too busy and I skip meditation, I really feel there is something missing.
Live and Learn
What I have learned and what I would strongly encourage people to do is to find your own practitioner or coach. I have learned to get help. I have also learned to go beyond stereotypes that keep our mind narrow. So now I always have a coach to accompany me along the way in various areas of my life, such as relationships and career.
Take traditional medicine with caution and explore various options, because one method can work for one person but not another. It’s okay to get a second opinion rather than trust drugs like they will be a miracle pill. As part of my exploration, I took aromatherapy and phytotherapy classes. I attended workshops at l’Espace City’zen in Paris, which offers Samara yoga, meditation, and much more. I had Ericksonian hypnosis, which allowed me to let go, connect positively with my subconscious, and visualize solutions to my current problems. And I had Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) sessions, which allowed me to move on from certain issues I encountered and change my mindset. I also took time to express my creativity with photography and drawing classes. I have found surfing and yoga, which always replenish me.
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One of the lessons I uncovered through this journey is that there is no fatality. Even the moment we think is the worst time of our lives, when we think there is no solution, there is always a solution. Some of my friends see what I have been through as huge. In fact, I didn’t see or feel it while facing my challenges. I just got through. Luckily, I always found a job even though there were long periods when I had to stop working because I was sick. That “forced” time off was so beneficial to learn about myself, to learn what I desire and what I don’t want anymore. It allowed me to spiritually grow and become more mature and understand the way of life. Lots of us experience a mid-life crisis, and it’s good to have all these tools to navigate such crises. For example, many people around me had a hard time with the lockdowns during Covid-19. I was okay; I could handle it because my resilience had built up over the last few years.
What I also learned is to remember to take time off and charge my own batteries daily. I have to admit that I felt guilty because I had my depression during my first job. I was afraid of getting fired and being unable to find a position after that. It’s futile to think that we can handle stress and keep fighting without breaks. During my depression, my level of energy was zero. I had to let it go. I could only handle the bare minimum during that period: eat, sleep. Slowly I built up my energy where I took care of my body, exercised, and napped. It’s only during my recovery that I developed my spirituality and mental wellness with meditation and yoga.
I now listen to myself and my own needs. As an intuitive and empath, I was advised by my coach to take time to rest. She also recommended scheduling breaks and time for myself before scheduling client meetings and work obligations. If I feel energetically tired, I have a nap and meditate systematically. I’m always on the lookout to discover more healing modalities and well-being tools, too. A friend recently sent me a list of a few Buddhist temples in Paris. I’m eager to visit them. My coach recommended a magnetic healer that I’ll be contacting soon as well. Most of what I discovered and have tried were friends’ recommendations. I noticed that it always comes at the right time and whenever I needed it.
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“The Master appears only when the disciple is ready.” - Osho
Aromatherapy: a holistic healing treatment that uses natural plant extracts to promote health and well-being. Sometimes it's called essential oil therapy. Aromatherapy uses aromatic essential oils medicinally to improve the health of the body, mind, and spirit. It enhances both physical and emotional health. (Source: www.healthline.com)
Phytotherapy: the use of plant-derived medications in the treatment and prevention of disease. (Source: www.britanica.com)
Magnetic healer and magnetic field therapy: uses different kinds of magnets on the body to help boost overall health. (Source: www.webmd.com)
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